To my soul

To the dreamy version of me..

To the girl who once promised herself  to be nothing but an achiever, and to be everything but a quitter. To the girl who used to be unstoppable, and whose energy was never all used up. To this version of me that made each day count, and lived life to its fullest. To this version of me that almost never lost control, and always stood tall after every fall. 

To the independent who relied on no one. To the warrior who fought till the very end.

I apologize.

I apologize for all the bad choices I made, and for all the wrong paths I took. I apologize for the heartbreaks and for the numerous breakdowns. I apologize for the wounds I caused, and for the scars I couldn't cure. 

I apologize for the dreams I had given up on, and for the goals I can no longer reach.

I apologize for the emptiness I had created inside of you, and for the new version of me that I had settled to.

I never wished for this to happen, but it happened anyway.

I am pleading for forgiveness. Maybe then, I'll be able to fix the shuttered pieces of you that I had broken.

Sincerely,

The broken version of you..

To the broken version of me,

To the girl who has always shined as bright as the sun, and whose eyes have sparkled like the glowing stars. To the girl who regardless how messed up she's become is still able to give, and still dares to dream.

To this version of me that has got enough courage to ask for forgiveness, and enough strength to decide on moving on.

To this version of me that in spite of the world's injustice is still trying to remain optimistic, and still trying to cling to hope.

To the independent who can still rely on no one. To the warrior who still fights till the very end.

I understand. And I forgive you.

I forgive you because you deserve the peacefulness that comes along with forgiving a regretting soul. I forgive you because none of what you are apologizing for was your fault. You've grown up. You've experienced life, and you've understood. You've understood that life is never fair, and that people are not as loving as they seem to be. You've understood that you will never have all what you are wishing for, and that life will knock you down a hundred of times before allowing you to be whatever you want to be. You've understood that life is not a fairytale.

I forgive you because it's okay to lose control, and it's okay to let go of the burden that was never yours to carry in the first place.

I forgive you because there's no shame in being broken, and there's no shame in being scarred.

You have been through a lot. Your heart is heavy, and your chest is going to explode. You have lost your way, and you are standing in the middle of nowhere. But the flame that lies within you can never die, and you still have the capability to find your way back. Just follow the ignited light of your soul; it never misguides. It will take you home.

Sincerely,

The dreamy version of you..

Faces & souls

I had been raised to believe that one cannot judge a book by its cover. I was taught that somebody's looks would never define whom they are as it is the inside that matters most.

But some of the ethical facts you got to know when you were a child do not remain the same. Because when you turn to an adult you become more certain that everything can be judged, and almost nothing is an absolute fact.

Whoever told us that souls are much more important than what is on the outside or that appearances are not of a significant importance at all had forgotten to mention that people's looks do not necessarily mean a light eye color or bronze skin. They had forgotten to mention that faces do not necessarily mean a small nose, full lips, red cheeks nor white teeth. They had forgotten to mention that faces reflect souls, and I can't help but fall in love with the stunning faces of people with attractive souls.

I can't help but fall in love with how somebody's face lights up when they speak of what they are passionate about. I fall in love with how someone's eyes sparkle when they talk about their dreams. I am fascinated by cheerful smiles, or those grins which appear in the middle of sorrowful moments. I am bewitched by how people react to surprises, and how they react when they feel they mean something to someone. I fall in love with these tears of joy a person cannot hold back because they have been waiting for something for so long, or because they have finally seen their hard work paying off.

I fall in love with this, as much as I fall in love with people’s insights and depths.  I fall in love with this, as much as I fall in love with people who suffer in silence. I fall in love with this, as much as I am enchanted by people who struggle, not just to survive but to lead the life they want to live. I fall in love with this, as much as I am charmed by people who never give up on their close ones, and never stop believing in them. I fall in love with this, as much as I am mesmerized by people who believe in their own capabilities and strive to improve.

I fall in love with faces as much as I fall in love with souls. Because eventually, you can't see the stars without having a window that overlooks the magnificent view.

After sunset

I love witnessing sunset from where I lay down on the beach. The view of the sun dropping in the infinite sea and how the sky looks when it is painted with orange and pink leave me in a state of peace that I've never experienced at the sight of any other thing. 

But then, the pink and orange sky gets darker until it turns to black.  And the clouds that once united with the sun to create a heavenly landscape, have now united with the dark to create a gloomy one. 

But only when it gets really dark, do the stars start to glow. Only when it gets really dark, does the moon show, and the sea becomes ready to reflect the moonlight on its surface announcing that it's not dark anymore. The scene is heavenly again.

We believe that sunset is an ending and this is where the problem lies. We lose our ability to see the stars because we are blinded by what precedes their appearence, and this is how simply life goes.

See, there's a transitional phase between sunset and the appearence of the moon that despite its darkness, still has its own beauty. Because if you have a long look at the sky during this phase, you'll find out that the sky hasn't totally lost its pink and orange colors. And it is not totally gloomy. 

When we fall down, we think it's the end and we lose our ability to think correctly. 

We forget that we'll definitely be given  another chance. Because unlike people, life gives second chances. 

The two companions

For every single time I was asked if I'd ever fallen in love, the answer was: not even once. Only when I realized what love really is, has my answer changed to be: I've lost count. And, for every single time I wondered if love was painful, the answer was: not necessarily. Only when I discovered what love really is, has my answer been: like hell.

We mistake falling in love for having feelings only towards a person of an opposite gender, and we mistake love's pain for having our heart broken by this person. However, what I truly think; is that we fall in love and get hurt dozens of times everyday, and not by a person of an opposite gender. 

We fall in love with friends and family members, and we feel the pain when we picture our lives without them, when any of them dies or gets hurt or when they travel abroad. We're captured by the beauty we find in our precious belongings, and we feel the sorrow when they're lost. We're enchanted by all the happy memories we once lived, and we feel broken when we remember that they don't exist anymore. We're overwhelmed with limitless dreams, and we fall to the ground when we get stumbled over by reality.

We fall in love with people and we're dazzled by objects. We're dumped by dreams and crushed by wishes. And this is how life goes; you will always be in love and you will always feel the pain. Just fall in love with the precious thing. Because only what is precious is worth getting hurt for.

Just like heaven

"Logic will get you from A to Z. Imagination will get you everywhere." Albert Einstein.

She has great imagination. It has always been her thing. It is what helps her overcome her past, endure her present and shape her future.

When she remembers this time her friend got really sick, she gets rid of the memory by imagining her friend all healthy, and during the period of her sickness they weren't at a hospital; they were having a sleepover.

When she recalls that day she was bullied at school, she fancied standing up for herself and being as strong as she should've been; not a coward who ran away without saying a word. 

When she misses the smell of the sea, when she misses its breeze she opens her bedroom window at four AM. She shuts her eyes, listens to the sound of the surrounding silence then replaces it with the sound of the angry waves and she's just there; on a beach of her own. 

When she misses her father who lives abroad, she looks at his picture and smiles. He is here. They are having a walk, holding hands and talking. They are laughing hard. He hugs her tightly. They are enjoying each others' company.

When she gets worried about her career, she gets lost in what she might become. She's five years older and she's working in her dream place. She's popular among her colleagues and she holds this great position. She's at her peak. She's on fire.

When she gets worried about being trapped; about not being able to break the chains and see the world she puts her headphones on and disconnects from people for a while. She's wandering London's streets. Here is the tower Bridge and here is the Buckingham palace. Now she's in Paris. She's in Venice. Rome. Barcelona. Berlin. Amsterdam. Santorini. Beirut. She's everywhere.

Imagination is her blessing. It gets her everywhere. But when she once stopped and recalled all what she had fancied, she saw how perfect all the fancies were. She knew then that her fancies reflected her hopes, and not all what she hopes for will come true.

She then realized that all what she had in her mind; was a picture of herself in heaven. Because only in heaven, does everything come true. 

Have you tried to draw your soul?

" I tried to draw my soul but all I could think of was flowers"

A female artist based one of her works on this quote. I loved the portrait or whatever it is called as the artist really showed great creativity here. However, what I liked the most was the quote itself. Draw my soul? I never tried to draw my soul. I never actually tried to think about what I'm made of; what made me the person I am today and, this is what I think the person who's been quoted tried to do. She tried to know herself better and she decided to refer to everyone she's met and everything she's been through that led her to be whoever she is now as flowers. 

So I decided to copy her; to draw my soul, but all what I could think of was books. I found myself referring to every moment of happiness, every moment of grief, every moment of hope, every moment of disappointment, every moment of strength and every moment of weakness as books. I found myself referring to every wound that healed, every wound that left a scar, everything that broke me, everything that made me mend the broken pieces, every good memory and every painful one as books. I found myself referring to everyone who hurt me and everyone who stood by my side, everyone who left and everyone who believed in me as books.

Books that have been written by the very same author. An author who exerted real efforts to write these books down. Some of them were flawless and others were nothing but an epic fail. Some of them were left incomplete, undefined and inexpressive. Some of them were perfectly planned for and some just weren't. Some of them were written due to the author's desire to write them and others were written because people've forced him to. Books that have numerous stories, characters and places. Books that are full of emotions and lessons learnt the hard way. Books whose main character was the author. The author is me.

What about you? Have you tried to draw your soul?

And figure out what has affected your personality as a whole? 

And understand how everything however small,

Has contributed in building your heart's inner wall? 

Don't forget

It's said that being able to forget specific things is a blessing. Well, of course it is.

Being able to get over some difficult circumstances you'd been through is a blessing.

Getting over some people who weren't really that good to you is a blessing. Forgetting about all the negative thoughts taking over you is a blessing.

 So, let us say that this type of forgetting is closer to moving on and it's definitely God's gift to you; He gives you the power to turn your back on things that you'd never be able to control because they're simply over.

But, what about forgetting what we're supposed to remember;what truly defines who we are and what we want to be? Suddenly and involuntarily, we forget about our true-selves; we forget our capabilities, dreams and ambitions. We lose our self confidence and find ourselves struggling without even knowing what we're struggling for. We just feel...empty. 

This type, has absolutely nothing to do with the word blessing. However, it isn't a curse either; maybe it's another chance to rediscover your abilities and reconsider your ambitions and priorities, maybe it is not. Maybe it's because time and experiences change everything,  and for every single bad experience you had, you'd let go of a part of what defined you. 

 So,don't forget who you really are and where you stand! Don't forget about all the plans you have for a bright future! Don't forget that you're unique at something and that you're certainly not the most screwed up person in the world. Just don't... because once you do, you get lost and nobody will be able to guide you.